What love is...

Nearing the conclusion of this fine year, 2009, I come back to the original intention/theme that kicked it off to such a grand start, love. It seems as an all too well suited theme, given that Jan 2009 began with a brand new marriage. Several years back I decided rather than setting New Years Resolutions, to set an intention/theme for the year, allowing me to be less attached to results and more interested in the journey. 2007-Living the dream, 2008-Balance, 2009-Love.

So how did it go? Well, 2007 & 2008 I wrote in my journal diligently each day, I read books on the topics, searched for mentors, and made many decisions to bring my intention into harmony. This year didn't bring any of that, there was no daily journaling, no searching the globe for examples, and no reading pop psychology to understand it better. I suppose you could say, this year, I just wanted to experience it, in the most natural way possible. Several months out of this year I wondered if I was even honoring my intention, but as I began to doubt, the truth of experience came back with a vengeance to let me know I had.

What I have learned has been far different than what I could have possible expected, and the only way to have learned it, experience. Most of these understandings have come just in the last week of this year, not throughout as I may have hoped, rather like many things in life, clarity dominates in those final sweet moments. The last few days of 2009 have been full of insight, perspective, understanding, and most of all love. To best communicate my journey this year let me share what I have learned love to be, as well as, what love is not. As you read the list I invite you to stop and ponder as you go, if something hits home stop and ask yourself why. Relish in truth of what love is to you, and dig deep into what brings love into your life, as well as what pushes it away. And most of all, love, love god, love others, love yourself, and love for no reason at all.

What love is:

Love is knowing the sun will rise, each brand new day.

Love is a tender words of encouragement.

Love is honesty.

Love is knowledge.

Love is more than knowing the right thing to do, its doing the right thing despite opposition.

Love is looking past weaknesses.

Love is communication.

Love is listening.

Love is intimate.

Love is universal.

Love is peaceful.

Love is content.

Love is an inner manifestation.

Love is real.

Love is the greatest motivator.

Love is God.

Love if living life to its fullest.

Love is family.

Love is kindness.

Love is consistency.

Love is preparation.

Love is work.

Love is commitment.

Love is compromise.

Love is diligent.

Love is giving without thought of return.

Love is the past, the present, and the future.

Love is the greatest journey that exists.

Love is tender moments, big and small.

Love is discipline.

Love is respect.

Love is setting and honoring boundaries with others and ourselves.

Love is in all, above all, and underneath all.

Love is the greatest gift.

Love is everything.

Love is not...

Love is not fear.

Love is not doubt.

Love is not selfishness.

Love is not proud.

Love is not always fair.

Love is not manipulative.

Love is not deceptive.

Love is not greedy.

Love is not alone, sad, or boring.

Love is not apathetic.

Love is not complacency.

Love is not angry.

Love is not fake.

Love is not short tempered.

Love is not impatient.

Love is not the easiest route.

Love is not always being right.

Love is not rude or hurtful.

Love is not demeaning.

Love is not demanding beyond our abilities.

Love is not a way of understanding only those closest to you.

Love is not only for you and me.

Love is intimate.

Love is universal.

Stepping Back to move forward

In the practice of yoga, we often back off of things prior to proceeding. For example, I lower down on my belly, before rising up in a backbend. The sun salutation, is a series 9-17 postures, one in which there is closing in, followed by a rising up. I am certain the opening posture could not happen if it did not follow a closing in posture. This closing in and opening up is a theme that weaves through the entirety of the practice, after all it is a balance. A fine balance, effort and ease in perfect tandem.

As it becomes more natural on the mat, the challenge comes in applying this principle to off the mat. I often have a desire to race through my day completing all the tasks that require energy up front. While this has the underpinnings of a successful practice, the problem exists when the determination takes over to complete EVERYTHING, before allowing a sweet surrender to enter in. Going and going with fierce determination seems to set in, and letting go becomes only a very small exonerated portion of the day that happens before bedtime. This does seem to work on some level, but too much determination certainly makes it challenging to let go when the time comes. Many worship vacations and time off work, to relax and step back, I think it is a daily practice, that enhances our every day experience. By taking the time to step back each day, I reconnect with my breath, I acknowledge divinity, and I remember how sweet it is to simply be still. The allows me to approach the day with a new sense of well being and wholeness, able to, well, move forward.

Sacred Space

The kitchen to me is a sacred space. Albeit ours is small and humble, it is to me the landscape of creation. In the sacred walls of the kitchen, the combination of heavenly ingredients intermingle in a most melodic formula to produce an amazing end result. The fusion of life's offsprings creates new life.

But, come on Connie, it's just a cookie. No, it's so much more, its Cookie Paradise.

I clean my kitchen insidiously, almost to the point of compulsively, because to me the vessel in which creation comes must be completely pure. I would hate for any morsel of toxicity to enter into a new unblemished creation. This simply seems wrong. Any of those that know me, and as my husband will attest, it is a painstaking process to make certain these creations are developed in a pure environment, brought to life in the exact timing of their oven, and then carefully packaged and presented to their new home. It is a labor of love, that seems often to go far beyond the call of duty, but I can't help it. It seems a part of my nature as the creator to give an inordinate amount of love and attention to each cookie creation, letting each one be personally touched, shaped, packaged, and offered to a worthy partaker. It's in my blood to create more than just a cookie, indeed, in my kitchen it falls nothing short of cookie paradise.

Our Christmas Prescription

There is no denying it's the holiday season. Our Christmas wish to you this year:

And just by way of clearing up any confusion. No, I was not really in the hospital.

I wasn't even trying to capture a kodak moment

It just happened. Apparently, Bear likes to knit as much as I do.

Like it or not...

Utah has domesticated me...

Oh how I have fought domestication for years, about 12 to be exact. At the ripe age of 18 I realized the role of women was quite a contrast than that of men, but I vowed at that time to be just as independent, self reliant as any man could every be.

Well, tough cookie, you made it. Luckily you didn't get so crusty that no man ever wanted to bite into you.

This is the epiphany of the day. Bye, bye city girl, no more NYC to take care of every convenience on earth. No more paying someone to wash and fold my clothes. Ok, so those of you that know me well know I am way too cheap to have ever payed for that service, but I did splurge on a housecleaner.

New York City is said to be a city that is 'full of convenience'. As I reflect on my experience there, I would say it is 'inconveniently convenient.' Truly it is glut with conveniences, a convenience store on every corner. The only thing that makes them inconvenient, hmmm, they close at 8pm, when you never ever get home from work before 9pm. You have to pack all your groceries home with your own two hands. I did however have the privilege of living in Harlem, which meant the collapsable grocery cart is your friend. In my NYC hood, if you don't see several on every street corner, something just feels wrong.

That said, I am now a wife. I am female through and through. I am not ashamed to admit my favorite color is pink.

I like to bake cookies,

I like to make people feel good, I like to cook,

I like to create a comfy home,

and I absolutely adore sweet kisses,

and yes someday I even want babies. You got it, all the characteristics of a woman.

There is no denying or hiding any longer. I probably took longer than most to realize and honor my femininity, I never really wanted a child for a long time, I just didn't know what I would do with it. When the friends got married at 18 yrs old in college I balked at the tenacity of such a choice. I know have arrived, resistant as I might. But Connie, it's time to let go of the resistance. After working in Banking for 7 years, finishing my education, purchasing 2 homes, pursuing my passions, and living the dream, it's time to move on. I am grateful for the experiences I've had that have led me to where I am today. But the feeling often comes that of all the accomplishments that can be attained in this world, nothing compares to that of a having a family. I suppose I am finally growing up, which is so much better than growing down.

Love is in the air...

As I breathe in love fills not only the spaces within me but all the space around me, enveloping, all consuming. The all consuming love that I can feel, surely must come from a being much greater than myself. It is hard to define this type of love, and my mortal mind can hardly comprehends it's depth.

Every now and then, ok, all the time, I limit the power of love to what my mind can understand. Then I seemed to be reminded, of course from the mouthpiece of God, that love truly is a much stronger force than I originally envisioned. As 2009 rolls to an end, I am reminded that the theme of this year is Love. I initially thought the new marriage began would be the apex of that theme. Well, certainly it is a part, but as I come full circle from Jan 24, 2009, the day Micah and I were sealed, to November 22, 2009 (1 year after moving to Utah), I realize that the love that has deepened more than I could have fathomed, is not just the love of a spouse, but the love of God. And the truth is God's love has always been present, only my openness to receiving it fades in and out. I recognize that this gift, the love of God, makes possible the love of a human relationship. There simply is no other way. This is not the prescribed outcome I had anticipated in the first 10 months of marriage. But, it is the outcome I needed.

When we set an intention at the start of a yoga practice, it is often set only to allow us to be open to the possibility that the intention might shift or change completely. Sometimes this is anticipated, most often, it is not, but it is always what needs to happen. This inherent beauty of the practice, when the flow takes over, allows divine wisdom to manifest itself. We just make an offering with full trust that what needs to happen, will indeed happen. And with that trust, it always does.

To know the God's love indeed is the "center of ALL" as spoken by Elder Uchtdorf in Oct Conference, sharpens my desires to let love be at the heart of every decision, large or small. To taste and savor the love present in all things, seems a noble pursuit. My vision has shifted, but my intent the same, to honor the love of God in all things, and to participate in it's transformative powers.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Is it too early for Christmas decorations? My answer has been yes for years, feeling that poor Thanksgiving gets the raw end of the stick in the shadow of Christmas anticipation.  In my childhood the tree and all decorations always waited until the day after Thanksgiving. My husband likes things a bit different, and he decided to start on the outdoor lights, which led to a candy cane pole, and then some candy canes to frame the house, and a 6 ft toy soldier (one of Micah's favorite Christmas gifts). 

Then believe it or not, it was actually myself that suggested we add the tree into the mix, and Micah had to get his usual Hallmark collection ornaments of a plane an motorcycle to adorn it. He is proudly up to 13 years on this collection.

So now we have tree, chimney with stockings, and full house of Christmas decorations. I even topped it off today with a 24 day advent calender! Oh what joy fills our house and hearts! The outer decor is just an manifestation of the inner joy this holiday offers!

Please forgive me sweet Thanksgiving for shadowing you in the least, I am deeply grateful for you.  It just so happened that Christmas has come early this year, and we are flowing with it. 

Oatmeal Scotchies

Oatmeal Scotchies

Ok, so the truth is I make, bake, and consume cookies year round, regardless of the season, but there is something wonderful about Christmas time upon us that delights my soul in the smell of cookies. With the inception of Connie's Cookies this year, the good old oatmeal scotchie almost seemed  forgotten until I was quickly reminded while staring at a bag of Butterscotch chips today at Super Target.  I just knew they had to come home with me. 

This baby combines the goodness of an oatmeal cookie, but cuts out the raisins which almost might be too healthy, and adds some butterscotch yumminess.  The recipe is quite traditional but I love to add my own little variations to make it feel like my own. The rice crispies and pudding are optional (but they sure are fun!)

 Another reason I can't wait to open a Connie's Cookie Paradise where you can individualize your own little dreams.  Here is how todays creation came together. 

Note: This is for high altitude (4500 ft), if at sea level decrease flour 1/4 cup, and increase baking powder 1/2 tsp.

Ingredients:

3 cups Whole Wheat Pastry Flour

3 cups oats

2 tsp baking powder

2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp nutmeg (opt)

1/8 tsp clove (opt)

1 tsp sea salt

Mix all dry ingredients above in a bowl, set aside.

1/2 cup butter

1/4 cup canola oil

1/2 cup sugar

1 cup brown sugar

1 small 4 oz. butterscotch pudding snack

2 eggs

1-2 tsp vanilla

Cream together butter, sugar, add oil. Add butterscotch pudding snack, 2 eggs, and vanilla, mix until well combined. Add dry ingredients. Mix slowly until just combined.

Mix-ins

1 cup rice crispies

1 - 1 1/2 cup butterscotch chips (to your liking)

Mix-in by hand. Refrigerate dough for 1-24 hours for best flavor.  Bake in preheated oven 350 degrees 8-12 minutes depending on size of cookie.

Enjoy!

Like home again...

My mission president's wife used to always say "Bloom where you are planted."  I have been fighting blooming in Bountiful, UT. Not sure why? Maybe I miss the experiences I had in New York, the people I met, the souls that taught me, the life I gained, the cozy little studio I made my own.  As cliche as it may sound, I could say "I found myself in NYC." Self realization dawned on me in greater magnitude than ever it had before.  I fell in love in New York, fell in love with life. 

One of my wise yoga teachers used to say "The only constant thing in life is change." So why do I fight this change so?  I don't see the whole picture, but I am doing my best "to bloom where I am planted", as sweet Sister Pullan suggested. So thanks to some improvements to my outer world, my inner world is feeling more like home...

Bye bye fluorescent bulbs, welcome hallogen! Amazing what a new light can do.

A little office to call my own,

oh sweet hooks, you give bag and jacket a home.

Big palm, and,

little palms, the air already feels better.

A painted hallway, so trips to the bathroom and bedroom are much more pleasing. And last but not least...

A little spot for yoga. I have some plans for this space also, but one thing at a time. 

Thanks to my sweet husband who braved the 4 hr Ikea trip, a 3 hour assembly jobs, and countless hours of hearing me complain. Oh how I love you.  But our efforts this weekend are pale in comparison to the months of effort my sweet husband put into remodeling the home 3 1/2 years ago when he purchased it. Little did he know he was creating a home, not just for himself, but he was creating a home for us. 

After all, life isn't really about the great big moments, rather it's about making a great big deal out of the small moments.

Indeed, it is starting to feel like home again... and what makes it feel that way more than all the home improvements combined...

My first gluten free cake...

Double Chocolate with Swiss Cream Meringue frosting!

A success with no collapsing in the center or uncooked areas, and I actually think it tasted good.
and if you are worried about the extra pounds, try my father in laws jiggle machine, it will melt right off!

Sunshine in my soul today

The only words I have to describe how I feel are not my own... they have been running through my mind all day long...

There is sunshine in my soul today, 

More glorious and bright 

Than glows in any earthly sky, 

For Jesus is my light.

Oh, there’s sunshine, blessed sunshine 

When the peaceful happy moments roll. 

When Jesus shows his smiling face, 

There is sunshine in the soul.

Wednesday began with an amazing yoga class at the Bountiful Davis Arts Center! The first one, and there was 10 of us! Loved it! It was wonderful to see so many beautiful faces I haven't seen and some trying yoga for the first time. We let today be an offering to something other than ourselves. My offering is to my creator, the source of all the abundance I experience daily.

It got even better when I taught at Welcome Home, an assisted living center. Their are amazingly sweet little ladies that come each week to experience Yoga.  I greet them individually, we have a 30 minute class, and I leave by saying goodbye to each individually.  What stood out to me today was my sweet Bessie, as I asked her how she felt after our practice before leaving, she told me as she often does "Oh, well I try my best, but I am just not sure if I am doing it right." I replied, "but Bessie, YOU DID IT." And then it came, that soft gentle tug on my heart that invited me to ask Bessie, "Bessie, did you enjoy your experience?" As the tear rolled down my face, Bessie's discouragement turned to a warm glow, hope filled her eyes, and she replied with a warm smile, "YES".  The question of "Did you enjoy your experience?" pierced my soul in a way it never had before as it came out of my own mouth.  I recognized in that moment I was being taught from on high.  I visualized myself beyond the mortal frame before my creator, and he wasn't there saying, "Connie why did you do this or why did you do that, sheesh, what were you thinking?" He wasn't judging all the little details of my life, my mistakes, or overanalyzing every decision. Rather he reacted the way I felt with Bessie today, he simply was so pleased that 'I did it'! And the question again resounded through my entire being "Did you enjoy your experience?" I don't know for certain if this is a question we may be asked someday, but I feel the need to have an answer for that particular question at the end of my journey on earth. For the first time, I didn't just 'know', but I felt the gift of 'joy' in our lives. I have always known the small decisions aren't everything, but I, like all of us, get caught in the small details of daily living. When I step outside of that thinking and give my mind and heart space, it is filled with the all consuming love and truth of a heavenly being. The Creator that seeks for my very existence to be full of joy. There indeed IS sunshine in my soul today.

The things I can't live without...

Love,

Breath,

Food and Water,

A connection to source,

and now, me sweet Micah.

Why is it that we don't really appreciate things until they are gone or almost gone? I was thinking about this concept quite a bit today. We place more value on things when they are scarce. We value our income more in a recession, heat when the furnace is broken, breathing when air quality is poor, food after fasting, and spirituality when we have allowed the demands of life to take precedence. It is a privilege of mine daily to take a moment just to acknowledge and value my breath, without which I would not be alive and experience what I do.  This acknowledgement of breath connects me to the essence of life and divine creator which grants me daily breath. When I get caught up in the complexities of life, which I so often do, it is that sacred moment I step back and realize what matters most of all. The true essence of who we really are is always there.

This past week we went for about 5 days without a working furnace. A little control panel came and saved the day on Wed.  I appreciate warmth.

When I lived in NYC I learned to really appreciate any sunshine I could get, in the midst of all the buildings.

And after 31 years of being single, I appreciate the sweet kisses of my husband.

 I have so much, I am richly blessed.

Faith

This weekend I was reminded again of the power of God, through his prophet, disciples, and witnesses. The Brother of Jared had the faith that I aspire to have someday. He also knew the Lord's power looked "small unto the understanding of man." (Ether 5:3) The world can never teach what the spirit can. In 8-10 hours of conference there was more truth shared than an entire lifetime of teachings that the world could offer. It is amazing what the lord offers us for hope in these latter days. I am blessed. 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

I was fascinated with the first line of "The tale of two cities", but I'll be candid, that was about as far as my investigation went. I'm pretty sure I appreciated it as much as cliff notes allowed me too, but it wasn't my favorite read as a sophmore in highschool. Someday I will revisit it and read thoroughly.

However I can't think of any better way to descride this week than that. It has been a week of extremes: summer to winter weather, a huge tree to no tree in our yard, little work to lots of work, clean house to AHHH!, hot house to chilly house, white walls to painted walls, and finally but not least a/c to heat to NO furnace. All these changes are good I'm sure, but sometimes as I go through them, I am wondering while they all happen at once? Does anyone have this figured out, why life is peaceful and then everything goes wrong at once? Ok, not everything, thats an exaggeration, I still have my saviors love, my cute hubbie, and the things that matter most! But really what is the dealio?

Let me give you a sample: on Monday I was cleaning the kitchen and moving around a few things in the fridge. I picked up the bottle of Homemade spaghetti sauce that I had simmered for 12 hours and...

Not only did it get the floor, but every other nook and cranny in the surrounding area including my pants. Gross, it reminded me of when I threw up on a girl sitting in front of me in 2nd grade. Poor girl.  

That was repaired quickly but Tuesday brought it's own mass destruction. Micah has been excited to get rid of our Box Elder tree for sometime, and with next week as pick-up week, he couldn't miss the opportunity. And it's a good thing he did when he did given that the 85 degree temp on tuesday dropped to mid 40's on wednesday.  

This change in temperature was all ok, as it gave me the opportunity on Wednesday to finally paint the hallway as I have wanted to for some time.

Before

And After... there was lots and lots of corners to work around!

The problem came in when cooling temperatures required the furnace.  Micah turned it on, but then it stopped coming on, and temperatures slowly dropped. That means aside from the warmth of the cookie oven, cold, cold, cold!

It wouldn't be so bad except Micah has the busiest week at work given he works at the Ticket office at the LDS conference center. He doesn't have lots of extra time to repair a furnace with conference this weekend. I have been known to be able to spend lots of time outside of the house for the most part, but this week I've had significantly less yoga classes to teach, only 5, and I simply don't find bountiful all that exciting. So while Micah is busy away from home at work, I am shivering in a lonely house with little work. I'm not all that pathetic though, I did spend 5 hours at the Yoga studio this morning, teaching and taking class, basking in warmth of a heater that works and a body that moves! 

So, it was the best of times, and the worst of times. But I have a feeling things will only get better, and worse...

My 'ode' to yoga...

Lately I have been pondering my love and loyalty to practicing and teaching yoga over the last 7-8 years.  Why do I love it so? Because it first loved me? From the very first yoga class I developed an uncanny attraction to yoga. While yoga is not a physical being that has the ability to love, it allowed me to give something back to myself.  It wasn't like any other exercise class I had ever been in, it didn't matter if I got the pose just right, and it didn't matter if I didn't look like my neighbor.  All that seemed to matter was that I honored me, honored my abilities, honored my individuality, and honored my body. After leaving yoga class, I found that I always slept better that night, that I felt more calm and peaceful. For the first time, exercise took on love rather than drudgery or punishment.  Comparing or judging yourself was strongly discouraged in yoga class, and no real end result was necessary to attain.  It became more than exercise to me, it became a practice of unconditional love. It helped peal away the layers of hurt, insecurity, fear, doubt.  In many ways aside from the Gospel, it was the first thing in my life I have ever REALLY committed to.

The commitment to yoga preceded many other commitments in my life: recommitment to my savior, a commitment to happiness, a commitment to a life of love instead of fear, a commitment to following passions, a commitment to my husband, and a commitment to living life to it's fullest. 

My favorite teacher, Alan Finger, who has taught yoga and meditation for over 40 years often gets the question "why practice yoga?" His answer is always the same,'because it allows YOU to become who YOU really are.'  I have always loved his response and likened it to my own situation. Today as I listened to meditation CD I was reminded again of this. But today the works took on a whole new meaning. Becoming who 'I' really am, does not mean becoming like my neighbor, or my sister, or my friend, or my yoga teacher. Becoming who 'I' really am is becoming the best 'Connie.'  Somewhere in the tumult of life I have given in to the temptation to compare myself with those around me. As I have done this I have unfairly compared my weaknesses with other's strengths. As I have looked at my environment I have seen only what I lack, or where I am deficient. With only looking at the many things I am not doing, I have overlooked all the things I do, and can do. It has brought me down to a place of insurmountable deficiencies, and feeling alone in a pit in which I can't crawl out. Last night as the wind swept through the trees and our home, the never-ending instability of the weather mirrored the instability of my heart. For a moment I felt me feeble heart had ceased.  I felt paralyzed with fear, with apprehension, with doubt, and uncertainty. It became so overwhelming I couldn't sleep or rest. I applied my yoga techniques to calm the mind, but nothing seemed to really help. I didn't fall asleep for several hours and when I did, my mind still raced with vivid dreams.

This morning as I once again revisited Alan's response 'yoga helps you become the person you really are,' I finally realized that I don't have to become anyone else. I don't have to waste time and precious energy trying to become another person that I am not. God knows me and loves me for who I am, not my neighbor. I realized that in addition to all the wonderful gifts of yoga, that it has also helped me to see things more clearly, to perceive and understand things as they really are. It clears the maya (illusion) and taps us into our abundance and grace. 

I can hardly believe that after practicing yoga for years I have never made this connection, but I suppose this is the power of a practice that always gives back. As I give to yoga, it gives back to me. Yoga in sanskrit, means 'union' or 'oneness'. It is when we align our mind, body, and spirit to become 'one' that we can access higher realms of consciousness, and become who 'YOU" really are.  

They found Joy in Cooking and Joy in Life.

These are the words on the cover "The Lynn Family Recipes," a beautiful addition to my collection of cookbooks I received this weekend.  I was pleased to have the opportunity to apprentice one of the finest bakers north of Salt Lake I have ever met.  A kind Jerry Lynn invited me into his home, into his baking delights, and into his joyful world. The Lynn cookbook was just one small token of the visit, the knowledge and experience however far surpassing the recipes. I learned on Friday, that simple Jerry Lynn is a master in his own right. He can make more cinnamon rolls and fresh bread than probably all of our efforts combined. The most impressive part, it's all by hand. The only modern devices he uses is a mixer and an oven, the rest is from the palm of his hand.  As I watched his hands and feet shuffle around the kitchen, I observed Jerry in 'his flow'. It was clear the kitchen is 'his' domain. He has a familiarity and efficiency that surpasses our everyday use of the kitchen. He told me that during busy seasons he produced up to 80 dozen cinnamon rolls and 140 dozen muffins. Jerry owned a bakery for many years in South Bountiful area. If you are familiar you may remember his incredible cinnamon roles or fresh pies. 

How did I encounter such a mentor of baked goods? The meeting of Jerry Lynn has been magical from the start. He is my neighbor at the Bountiful Farmers Market and a backyard Beekeeper of 20-60,000 bees. He sell his honey that he bottles in his own home, and friends there simply is no better honey out there.  At first meeting I may have thought that his skills stopped at Beekeeping alone, but little did I know the baking genius that lied beneath.  Jerry was kind and inquisitive of my small cookie business and eager to help teach me cinnamon roles. I mentioned to him that I felt good with cookies and Gluten Free, but the thought of Gluten Full flours and yeast made me as nervous as a little girl. In fact, we can blame this on my mother but she never cared to make fresh bread other than a bread machine and her first experience as a child baking bread it turned out like a brick. I had assumed it simply wasn't worth learning. Well, I was wrong. 

Baking bread is a science, an art, and gets better with experience. Jerry doesn't have to analyze or read recipes, baking bread is a part of who he is, it's second nature. I feel this way with cookies, but not with bread, and not with golf. Perhaps someday I will, but I realized that while we take these skills and dilute them with modern appliances, technology, and quickie solutions, there is simply no substitute for the hand made process of making and shaping bread.  Yeast is living, so we treat is kindly and let it multiply in it's element. It isn't as temperamental as I once thought after understanding the properties in which it likes to grow. 

Life has turned around for me, for years I spent time trying to climb the corporate ladder, find more money, bigger homes, faster ways of doing things. Now I find solace in the simple beauty of life, in a small garden, in a simple pose, in working with my hands, and leaving a labor of love in my path. 

Jerry left me with a new found knowledge that I certainly couldn't place a price tag. His knowledge come from generations of finding joy in cooking and joy in life.  I am certainly not convinced that I will own a bakery with yeast breads, but I do know see the love and dedication it takes produce a legacy.

Dreams....

I have been having a lot of dreams lately.  The kind you wake up thinking, 'wow that was random'. Lots of Dreams. Dreams about cookies, dreams about yoga, dreams about friends, dreams about clouds, dreams of success, and dreams of dreaded failure. Every time I wake up from these random dreams I realize that my reality far exceeds any dream I could ever have.

I wake up every day realizing I am not alone....

In fact, I have the best friend any one could ever wish for...

He's playful...

He loves beautiful places...

And kisses...

He likes to get his feet wet...

and he drinks lots of milk for strong bones...

But most of all he is always by my side when I need him most...

My sweet Micah asked for my hand in marriage Oct. 26th 2008. As we returned to Cannon Beach, Oregon this last week, I was reminded how sweet it is to be loved by him, and how he makes life far exceed my dreams.