Yoga and Cookies: August 2011

Aug 27, 2011

My top 10

Ok, so I have a ridiculous amount of pictures of Bridger, thanks to the fact he is my first child, and thanks to the convenience of digital cameras. Although I could make a top 1000 list, here are some that touch my heart.

10. Seriously, that face?

9. There we go again, that face AND that TIE.

8. We're a family.

7. And oh those feet. Oh those toes. I just want to eat them.

6. This reminds me of all the time I spent carrying Bridger, inside or out, close to my heart.

5. His first easter basket and keen ability to destroy it.

4. Even though he scoots me out of my bed space, and I am massively sleep deprived, I still love the mornings of waking up next to this.

3. Hours upon hours upon hours of being physically assaulted while nursing my man.

2. For the love of your toes

1. And finally #1 favorite pastime, Eskimo kisses = a unequivocal love affair

Aug 11, 2011

Self worth and motherhood

In the words of Benedict XVI: "The joyful love with which our parents welcomed us and accompanied our first steps in this world is like a sacramental sign and prolongation of the benevolent love of God from which we have come. The experience of being welcomed and loved by God and by our parents is always the firm foundation for authentic human growth and authentic development, helping us to mature on the way towards truth and love, and to move beyond ourselves in order to enter into communion with others and with God."

In the last two weeks, something has shifted from deep within me, and I am not talking about the chile verde I had last night. No no, something deep within my soul has opened me up to the little life I hold in my arms and attend to his every need for hours upon hours daily. The last few weeks of his life have been filled with many moments of exploring his little bodies abilities, eating toes, using his hands to grab any object in sight, exploring all these items in his mouth, patting hard surfaces, making funny shrieks, discovering new foods, getting new teeth. In this stage of increased mobility and aggresiveness from my little son, I have somedays felt mildy attacked after an earring pulled out, a scratch on my nose, and a little less hair. I have ofttimes felt a little resentful or bothered by his actions.

But then it happened, about two weeks ago came one of those AH HA moments, and suddenly my relationship to this litte man became clear. We were playing on the floor in the living room, I was doing my usual tactics to maximize giggles and smiles. I was eating his toes, his hands, making his favorite noises, and best of all tickling. In all the playfulness I suddenly realized with a greater amount of understanding and weight what my relationship really was too this little man. I felt reassured that undoubtedly he was my son. And more importantly I realized that beyond simply taking care of his physical needs, that my function in his life went far beyond a source of food. In that moment I realized that I was there for the most important reason of all: to build his self worth.

Wow, that realization hit me like a ton of bricks. A human's self worth. I mean, slow down, wow, this is big time stuff, self worth of another human! Nothing tops that in any job I have ever done, not hours of mopping floors, approving loans, teaching yoga, no nothing even comes close to this kind of work. And for the most part, in spite of the slight physical abuse I have undergone, I realize that more than any job in the past I have the single, most satisfying job that I could ever dream of: motherhood.

I feel overwhelmed that I have been entrusted with this little person, to love him, to nourish him, to protect them, and to build his self worth. I realized that every time he cries and needs me, every time I pick him up and hold him, every time I change his diaper, every time I feed him, every time I wake up in the middle of the night to care for him. Each and every time I respond to him, countless times a day, placing his needs over my own, that I create value of his worth, I let him know that he is of infinite value and he is loved. I remind him of the love he felt from his father in heaven. What small sacrifices I have to make countless times daily translates into a soul that is nourished physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I suddenly feel overwhelmed with the newly understood task at home. When was the interview? Are you sure I am qualified? Are you really sure I can be a good mother? Well that is yet to be determined, but I am sure going to give it my best. It is one job I can't screw up at, I must keep working to become better. God knows I can do it, so therefore I can.

Aug 2, 2011

Luxuries of a nursing mother

There are many things in my life I have taken for granted, enjoying them as everyday activities, never realizing that with a baby, they truly are the lap of luxury.
No longer will I take them for granted:

1. A shower, uninterrupted that is
2. A quiet meal, not scarfed down
3. Exercising (without a jogging stroller or bike trailor attached)
4. Shopping, alone that is
5. Practicing yoga or any hobbies uninterrupted
6. Reading quietly
7. Setting my own schedule
8. Cooking and baking
9. Folding laundry
10. Running Errands
11. Working
12. Having an uninterrupted adult conversation
13. Clean clothing, without spit-up all over
14. Sleeping through the night

Truth be told I like doing housework, chores, errands. I love all the things in which a woman excels, as it turns out I just didn't realize how much easier they were to do without a little one that needs your constant care. So it's a trade-off.
I certainly no longer excel at producing 15 doz cookies in one day to sell at farmers market, my laundry rarely gets folded before sitting in the dryer for a few days, and I no longer spend hours laboring over new creative meals. I don't run for as long as I want anymore, I don't spend hours reading my favorite book, and I don't teach 12 yoga classes a week.

But it's ok.

None of that matters.

None of it compares to what life is now: