My top 10

Ok, so I have a ridiculous amount of pictures of Bridger, thanks to the fact he is my first child, and thanks to the convenience of digital cameras. Although I could make a top 1000 list, here are some that touch my heart.

10. Seriously, that face?9. There we go again, that face AND that TIE.8. We're a family.7. And oh those feet. Oh those toes. I just want to eat them.6. This reminds me of all the time I spent carrying Bridger, inside or out, close to my heart.5. His first easter basket and keen ability to destroy it.4. Even though he scoots me out of my bed space, and I am massively sleep deprived, I still love the mornings of waking up next to this.3. Hours upon hours upon hours of being physically assaulted while nursing my man.2. For the love of your toes1. And finally #1 favorite pastime, Eskimo kisses = a unequivocal love affair

Self worth and motherhood

In the words of Benedict XVI: "The joyful love with which our parents welcomed us and accompanied our first steps in this world is like a sacramental sign and prolongation of the benevolent love of God from which we have come. The experience of being welcomed and loved by God and by our parents is always the firm foundation for authentic human growth and authentic development, helping us to mature on the way towards truth and love, and to move beyond ourselves in order to enter into communion with others and with God."

In the last two weeks, something has shifted from deep within me, and I am not talking about the chile verde I had last night. No no, something deep within my soul has opened me up to the little life I hold in my arms and attend to his every need for hours upon hours daily. The last few weeks of his life have been filled with many moments of exploring his little bodies abilities, eating toes, using his hands to grab any object in sight, exploring all these items in his mouth, patting hard surfaces, making funny shrieks, discovering new foods, getting new teeth. In this stage of increased mobility and aggresiveness from my little son, I have somedays felt mildy attacked after an earring pulled out, a scratch on my nose, and a little less hair. I have ofttimes felt a little resentful or bothered by his actions.

But then it happened, about two weeks ago came one of those AH HA moments, and suddenly my relationship to this litte man became clear. We were playing on the floor in the living room, I was doing my usual tactics to maximize giggles and smiles. I was eating his toes, his hands, making his favorite noises, and best of all tickling. In all the playfulness I suddenly realized with a greater amount of understanding and weight what my relationship really was too this little man. I felt reassured that undoubtedly he was my son. And more importantly I realized that beyond simply taking care of his physical needs, that my function in his life went far beyond a source of food. In that moment I realized that I was there for the most important reason of all: to build his self worth.

Wow, that realization hit me like a ton of bricks. A human's self worth. I mean, slow down, wow, this is big time stuff, self worth of another human! Nothing tops that in any job I have ever done, not hours of mopping floors, approving loans, teaching yoga, no nothing even comes close to this kind of work. And for the most part, in spite of the slight physical abuse I have undergone, I realize that more than any job in the past I have the single, most satisfying job that I could ever dream of: motherhood.

I feel overwhelmed that I have been entrusted with this little person, to love him, to nourish him, to protect them, and to build his self worth. I realized that every time he cries and needs me, every time I pick him up and hold him, every time I change his diaper, every time I feed him, every time I wake up in the middle of the night to care for him. Each and every time I respond to him, countless times a day, placing his needs over my own, that I create value of his worth, I let him know that he is of infinite value and he is loved. I remind him of the love he felt from his father in heaven. What small sacrifices I have to make countless times daily translates into a soul that is nourished physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I suddenly feel overwhelmed with the newly understood task at home. When was the interview? Are you sure I am qualified? Are you really sure I can be a good mother? Well that is yet to be determined, but I am sure going to give it my best. It is one job I can't screw up at, I must keep working to become better. God knows I can do it, so therefore I can.

Luxuries of a nursing mother

There are many things in my life I have taken for granted, enjoying them as everyday activities, never realizing that with a baby, they truly are the lap of luxury.
No longer will I take them for granted:

1. A shower, uninterrupted that is
2. A quiet meal, not scarfed down
3. Exercising (without a jogging stroller or bike trailor attached)
4. Shopping, alone that is
5. Practicing yoga or any hobbies uninterrupted
6. Reading quietly
7. Setting my own schedule
8. Cooking and baking
9. Folding laundry
10. Running Errands
11. Working
12. Having an uninterrupted adult conversation
13. Clean clothing, without spit-up all over
14. Sleeping through the night

Truth be told I like doing housework, chores, errands. I love all the things in which a woman excels, as it turns out I just didn't realize how much easier they were to do without a little one that needs your constant care. So it's a trade-off.
I certainly no longer excel at producing 15 doz cookies in one day to sell at farmers market, my laundry rarely gets folded before sitting in the dryer for a few days, and I no longer spend hours laboring over new creative meals. I don't run for as long as I want anymore, I don't spend hours reading my favorite book, and I don't teach 12 yoga classes a week.

But it's ok.

None of that matters.

None of it compares to what life is now: And I am so very...
very...
Very...very...ridiculously....Richly...incredibly...totally...extaordinarily...extremely...Beyond measure...infinitely...blessed.

I am grateful each and every day for the lessons in selflessness.

A day on my knees

I know what you must be thinking right now, wow, she is right up there with Enos, spending the whole day in humble petition with the Lord. Truth is no I am not on my knees because I am in humble penitence. We can choose to be humble, or we are compelled to be humble.

Today I was the latter of the two, compelled to spend the day on my knees (and probably not just today). My options were simply this: rely on your husband or 5 month old baby to carry you to the potty in the middle of the night, get a catheter, or get on your hands and crawl to the toilet. So again I chose the latter option: to crawl. With two feet bruised badly enough that walking is not an option, the idea to crawl came like a stroke of genius in the night "sure you feet don't work, but hello YOU STILL HAVE KNEES!"

This much time spent on my knees has taught me many lessons. Spare me to share a few:

1. The lower size counters custom designed for midgets could have really come in handy for making dinner tonight, lucky for me I could still reach the fridge.
2. Rollerblading knee pads are a way better option than oven mits ace bandaged to the knees for protection from hardwood and tile floors.
3. Scooting on your bum also works helps when your knees get sore and tired.
4. Husbands do not like to be incessantly bossed around about 'how to do something' when you can't do it yourself.
3. Mind over matter people, if you really need to accomplish something, you can always find a way.
4. You get to see the world through a new set of eyes, similar to a small child or midget, and know what its like to be looked down upon.
5. You face the cold hard truth of how dirty your floor really are and inside the kitchen cabinets at hip level.
6. Functional feet are strongly unappreciated on a consistent basis.
7. For once a car ride was the only option in getting from point A to point B than running, walking or biking.
6. Pretty sure that walking on your knees burns way more calories than walking on you feet.
7. The list of essential to do's, really not as long as I make it.
8. Less is more.
9. Yoga truly can be adapted to suit all bodies, even ones without working feet.
10. It's a great reason to keep your husband home from work.
11. Living in the moment is better than anticipating the non return of useable feet
12. The world might be a more compassionate place if everyone spent a day on their knees.
13. Navigating a wheelchair = not as easy as it looks.
14. Being pushed in a wheelchair = really kind of fun.
15. You can laugh or you can cry but if you do them together it might come out your nose.
16. I still take this over how your body feels the day after giving birth.
17. Having injured feet does not affect my milk supply.
18. Less mobility = Less distraction and more quality time Bridger.
20. Asking for help from others, not as hard as I make it and sometimes absolutely needed.

Altogether I would mark this day as a success in the history books. In fact it was such a success I think I will give it a try again tomorrow.

Simplicity

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication" Leonardo Da Vinci

Of all people, really, Leonardo telling us to simplify? If his paintings are indication of simplicity than I wonder what my works would say about me. This week in the yoga classes I have taught I have shared this quote. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite offering these words to others, when I myself have a hard time living them. But then I realize the words of inspiration are not from a perfect teacher, but someone learning each day. The longer I teach, the more I realize how little I really know...

Bridger and motherhood humbles me every day. As soon as I start to think I might know what I am doing, I realize very abruptly I don't. Today I am sitting here writing this post in my full motherhood glory: I haven't showered yet and its 4:50pm, I feel ready to explode from holding off going to the bathroom an hour too long, my undergarments are all twisted and bunched up and I'm too tired to fix them, I have a huge zit in the middle of my cheek and haven't covered it up, and I have Bridger dried pee on my shirt with some leftover cookie dough (something I actually did accomplish today).

Everyday I review my list of priorities to get done and figure out which one I can let go of. I tell myself it's ok, and then something happens. Somewhere in my mind I suddenly get feelings of inspiration that somehow, somewhere, extra time will manifest itself and I will be able to accomplish all the priorities plus the extras I thought I had to let go of. In my superpower strength I start more projects I could possibly finish, and then it comes. The needs of my baby override everything, right down to looking presentable, or being covered in pee or better smeared poo.
Today, I surrender, so there you go Leonardo, simplicity really IS the ULTIMATE SOPHISTICATION. Do you think he had pee and poo on him when he said that?

Every day I am humbled, not only because I realize my own inadequacies, but more importantly I have been blessed with the sweetest little boy on this earth. I can genuinely say he is the sweetest little man, he is my son, and I love him.
Nothing is simple about being a momma, no matter how I slice it or dice it, it is the work of sacrifice, patience, love, and it never really ends from one day to the next. But I can't go back, I wouldn't want to go back, to the way things use to be. Not when I look at my sweet baby,hear his giggles, laughing, and see his smile.

My first Vacation

Being a new baby on this earth brings with it lots of "Firsts". This weekend I went on my very first vacation to St. George. Daddy decided to take mommy for her birthday and Mother's Day gift this year. It was well deserved with all the hard work I do...Me and Daddy at the Bear Paw Cafe for my first time, yummy french toast, or so Daddy told me.
My very first time in the swimming pool.
I liked it better out of the water with Mommy holding me.
My very first bike ride in my new bike trailer.The first time I saw a house with all sorts of man made animals. My first time to a yummy Thai Restaurant, Benja. Atleast I think it's yummy by the time it gets to me. We watched some individuals finish the IronMan, maybe someday I will be an IronMan.
Or maybe I'll just take a snoozer.

A Mother's Work

Today is indeed a special day, a day I have longed for, a day I have prayed for, and a day I have patiently awaited. Today for the very first time ON this Mother's Day, I AM A MOTHER. Not mother of a pet duck, not a mother in spirit only, and not a mother of a zygote, no, I am a mother of a 4 month old beautiful, healthy, human baby boy. At times of my prolonged singlehood I often wondered how or when this would happen. And then one day..... this Mother's DAY...... it is really here, I am a mother.

Not only am I a new mother this Mother's Day but I am one of the privileged few that is fortunate enough to dedicate my work fully to being at home and raising my little one.
As I contemplate the work of a mother, I reminisce about the previous work I have done prior to mammahood. I have worked full or part time in some capacity since I was 11 years old. Starting with babysitting, cleaning, then working up to retail, food service, customer service, and eventually a career in banking. After working to graduate college debt free, I worked as a banker for 7 years at Zions Bank and UBS. Even now I still work as a yoga instructor and own a small cookie business. I am grateful for what I have learned and the skills I have developed by working. But now as I look at my 4 month old I realize none of the work I have ever done compares to the work I do as a mother.

From what I can tell, there are some key differences between the work of a banker vs the work of a mother, spare me to share just a few...

The work schedule of a banker requires 40-50 hours a week, the work of a mother requires 168 hours a week (24 hours a day, 7 days a week.)
The work day of a banker ends at 5 or 6pm, the work day of a mother ends well, never.
The compensation of a banker includes a generous annual salary paid predictably biweekly, the compensation of a mother: kisses, smiles, and coos that come spontaneously day or night.
The dress code of a banker: business casual slacks and a pressed shirt, the dress code of a mother: a shirt with no spit up and not too tight pants.
The tasks of a banker: decisioning loans based on credit worthiness, ability to repay, and collateral; the tasks of a mother, well in a word endless (feed the baby, change diapers, bathe the baby, playtime, read, clean, do dishes, do laundry, cook)
The conversations of a banker: discussing plans for the weekend with coworkers, the conversations of mother, moo moo, baah baah, laa laa to baby.
A prized skill of a banker typing 55 wpm, a prized skill of a mother, changing diaper a diaper in under a minute.
The extra overtime work of a banker resulting in bonuses and extra pay, the overtime of a mother sleepless nights to avoid a screaming baby.
The benefits of a banker, 3 weeks paid vacation, health insurance, and retirement plans,

the benefits of a mother...


priceless.
Being a new mother is at times challenging beyond what I experienced as a banker, and beyond what I could have fathomed, but I wouldn't trade any of it, the highs or the lows because it is all part of the experience, the one we call motherhood.

Sacred, revered, motherhood.

This Mother's Day I look at my sweet baby, and I realize with a greater conviction than I have ever felt before in my life that indeed, truly, most definitely,


I am a mother....


and I am blessed.

I am 32 flavors and then some...

Ani DiFranco said it first "I am 32 flavors and then some...". There aren't any words more accurate at describing my present state of being, on the crux of 33 years on this earth, I truly am 32 flavors and then some. On the 3rd day of may 2011 I will have been on this earth 33 years. Since my 30th birthday, 3 years ago, I have gone from just me to a family of 3. Today I have a 3 month old, Micah, and me! Truly, I am blessed.

You might be a new mother IF...

...you discover your boobs actually have a crucial function other than aesthetic appeal, and get touched more than a porn star.
...the highlight of your day has now become your babies bowel movement.
...you discover you have been wearing your underwear inside out all day and don't bother to change it.
...you now understand why people make casseroles and freeze them.
...you feel like going to the bathroom alone is a luxury.
...you have a ravenous appetite with no time to eat.
...what used to take two hours to do can really be done in 20 minutes.
...you are now skilled at accomplishing just about any task with one hand.
...you realize crying is just noise.
...you discover that best parenting advice is none.
...you crave a moment to yourself only to miss your baby as soon as you leave.
...you enjoy downloading nursery songs on your iPod.
...you cry at huggies commercials and hallmark cards.
...there are a plethora of quotes that now take on a whole new dimension of understanding.
...you suddenly realize how selfish you have been your whole life.
...you can't remember the last time you slept 8 hours straight.
...you have changed your opinion on clothe vs. disposable diapers.
...your standard of clean know entails anything not covered in breast milk or poo.
...you suddenly realize that pony tails are a new fashion statement.
...you find yourself contemplating daily how there are so many humans on the earth.
...your daytime nap was longer than your night time nap.
...every room in your house has some sort of baby sitting device.
...a good day is when you get a shower and breakfast before noon.
...you feel intimately bonded to complete strangers at the grocery stores once you start discussing motherhood.
...your husband complains about waking up in the night and being tired.
...at moments you actually miss getting up and going to work.
...you now understand why your older friend and siblings with children constantly told you to "Enjoy your freedom" when you where single.
...you now find yourself telling your single friends to "Enjoy their freedom."
...you have removed the phrase from your vocabulary "I will never have one of THOSE children."
...no two days are alike.
...the highlight of your Friday night is bath time.
...you find the ice cream conveniently placed in the cupboard.
...you realize in retrospect that your pregnancy wasn't THAT bad.
...you have an abundance of new baby gadgets but no time to put together or use them.
...you spend more time each day communicating in baby babble than the English language.

And finally you might be a new mother IF.... just one smile can melt your heart and make any sacrifice in the world all worth it.

Motherhood and Sisterhood

Ok, so I don't think anyone would fault me for not posting on my blog for three months when they now I have been preparing, laboring, pushing, loving, nursing, changing, and caring for every need of a little one. It seems ridiculous that I can even find time to go to the bathroom let alone write on my blog. To be perfectly honest the only reason I am is because I was inspired to by my most wonderfully talented friend Rebecca. She excels at blog posts, photography, and any creative endeavor at its utmost. While I tell myself I would be creative if there was time.

Rebecca has always been an amazing friend to me, through the mission, college roomates, first years of marraige, and now first child. We haven't gone through these life events simultaneous but we always been friends through it all and that is what has mattered.

As I graze upon this new life choice called motherhood I have made discoveries that I feel slightly left in the dark that no one mentioned to me prior. A few include: the suturing up after having already gone through the most intense contractions that words cannot describe, the fundal massage (don't let the word massage fool you) that the nurse does after your baby comes out by pushing on your uterus so hard you want to slap her, the consequences of your new sleep deprived life, like placing refrigerated perishables such as ice cream in the cupboard, the yellow mustard poo that not any diaper on this earth could contain, and changing it with one boob still hanging out from nursing, the need for a burp cloth sown to your armpit, the achy back from literally hours upon hours of nursing and holding your little one, the fact that they always cry and need to be held when you finally get dinner on the table, and last but not least that while your husband may be helpful, there is just so much, oh so so so much he could never understood.

As I shared in my new delights of motherhood with Rebecca during a lengthy phone conversation, I realize a few things. Number 1, why my mother was ALWAYS on the phone. Number 2, we NEED , I mean REALLY NEED women in our life. Whether it is sister, mother, friend, auntie, neighbor, stranger at the store, the bottom line ladies, is WE NEED EACH OTHER! I had heard rumors of this pre child but I never really understood this principle until now. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and he is superbly supportive beyond what I could have asked for, but only a woman knows what it is like to change a poopy diaper one handidly, while cleaning off their shoulder with their boob hanging out for round 2 of lunch. Know I recognize most of you ladies out there are pro's at this stuff, and so proficient that you never even stand up without buttoning up your bra and nicely retucking your shirt, but for this lady, in the need to catch the rivers of poo I do whatever it takes.

Only a mother knows what it is like to feel insanely crazy without getting atleast a 30 minute break in the day from her little one, but yet feels the paranoia of leaving her child for 48 hours. Only a mother knows what it is like to feel the most intense love beyond description one moment, and them extreme guilt and craziness the next. I suppose each and every mothers experience is so uniquely different and I wouldn't trade mine for the world. I would love to document every sweet cue, every giggle, gurgle, and smile. I would love to have the history books capture every moment of this little precious life, but quite frankly ladies, and I know you understand this one, I am just too busy enjoying it! And really when you look at this face can you blame me?