Monday, March 27, 2017

4th of July 2011

Red, White, and Blue, just in time for my very first 4th of July and for Dad to run for City Council! I'm so patriotic!
Ultimately Micah didn't win the City Council Seat in Bountiful (sigh), but it was indeed a memorable July that we won't forget! 
And here's some more patriotism from out little Bridger

Below with my Cousin AJ
And our little guy in a BIG high chair!
Let Freedom RING!

My Adult Temper Tantrum June 2011

So I've never documented this story other than verbally, and maybe I'd just as soon wish it'd be forgotten. But for some reason I feel compelled to share it. It was June 2011, Bridger was 5.5 months old, and I had what we can call a bad day. I mean a really bad day. Being a new mom is a lot of work, and I hadn't quite learned the lesson that I wasn't going to manage motherhood, sleep deprivation, 6am yoga classes, and making spectacular meals perfectly. It was a day I was up by 430am to teach class, return home to care for the baby, sleep for 10 min, take an interrupted shower, clean spit up, clean the house, cookie prep for Farmers Market, and get dinner ready for our neighbors coming over.

I very much looked forward to Micah returning home from work to help with a baby that was fussy and wanted to be held, but that summer evening he just wasn't as helpful while trying to get the dinner meat ready on the grill. Since I needed my hands free to finish prepping dinner, I placed Bridger in his swing in the kitchen. He was not happy about it, and he let me know it.  But I left him there since our neighbors would be walking in any minute and I still had much to do. When Micah was walking towards our back door and passed by our screaming child in the swing I thought surely he would recognize my time sensitive situation and pick up Bridger. He didn't.

So as I continued finishing dinner with baby screams ever increasing in the background, I noticed that the rice I thought had been cooking in our rice cooker had not turned on for some reason. Great, no rice. With an incomplete meal because of a malfunctioning rice cooker, our neighbors almost to the front door, a screaming baby, tiredness, and my perception of an unhelpful husband I had officially lost it.

I went into our hallway and with a moment of complete frustration and anger I jumped on our tile floor with more force than I've ever jumped in my entire life. It seemed at the moment like a safe way to get out my frustrations with out hurting anything. I was mistaken. I did hurt something very badly. It wasn't my child, my husband, or the tile.  It was my feet. You know, those two things that get you EVERYWHERE you need to go. Those two things that Arielle from The Little Mermaid DREAMED to someday have! And I bruised them with such a force that the doctors said they'd only seen the likes of it in roofers who'd jumped off roofs. YUP. My adult temper tantrum.

Almost immediately after the jump I began to feel shooting intense pains down into my heel pads. I quickly walked into our carpeted bedroom seeking relief, realizing standing or walking on my feet was no longer an option. Then just at the moment, lying there vulnerable in pain and realizing I'd actually brought this upon myself, angry tears and sobs came pouring out. I felt like a complete failure. The night was already not going right, but NOW the realization had kicked in, "I COULDN'T WALK". It hauntingly echoed in my head. Micah finally came back after hearing my sobs and letting our neighbors in the house. In a fairly unsympathetic manner he tried to help me stand but I simply could not put any weight on my injured feet, especially my heels.

Well, somehow I got through the night painfully and with help from Micah carrying me. In the morning we went to urgent care and had x-rays. They saw no fractures but indicated I had severely bruised my heel pads. I learned that heel pads are a very thick dense fatty tissue that act as natural shock absorbers. Without them it feels like walking on bone. Consider that for a moment. Luckily I didn't have any visible fractures they could see. The most interesting question that the nurse and doctor posed was how I received such an injury. They wondered if I'd jumped off a roof? I simply didn't have an answer.

I was unable to walk for about a month while the pain was most intense. Instead I mostly crawled on our hardwood floors to get to little 5.5 month old Bridger. It certainly didn't help that he couldn't walk either.

After a few days of crawling I wised up and started using knee guards to save my sore knees. Then an older friend in our ward lent me her walker which helped once I was able to put some light weight on my feet again. Overall it was a month of no walking, weeks with assistance from a walker, and about two months of NO teaching and NO running. That last part being especially painful to the rest of my body. Looking back I realize what made this injury so sad was while breaking a leg is awful you still have use of the other. Because the damage was equal in both feet, it left me completely without the use of both feet for a time.

I suppose in the end I learned a few things from this experience, it's in this post from June 2011 But really, we can laugh at ourselves or we can cry.

Warning: some of the pics are pretty graphic. Just a few to see how things looked, and my handy props.

 Lucky for me my nieces were in town and came to stay with us. Rebecca stayed the first few days, then Jenalyn came and took over. I wouldn't have survived without their help. I'm convinced it was divinely mandated.

Those feet...
Luckily, my pain did not keep Bridger from eating his feet.
 Check out those knee guards, they sure came in handy when I had to crawl around...

Notice the walker in the background

It wasn't all bad, I did finally get to use the electric cart to grocery shop.

 And some pics from Sharon's goodbye party, when they moved to California. Bridger with Solei.
 And Axel
 And Lennox
And Aunt Sharon
 Lovely photo prop with a walker huh?

2011-2017 Catching up-Yes... Because THIS STUFF needs to be remembered forever!

So I suppose I did what most of us all experience in life at some point, we quit and let a good habit slip away. Perhaps it was the eagerness of new marriage and motherhood that had me excited enough to document the finer things of our new family, but somewhere the reality, sleep deprivation, motivation, and habit simply slipped away. I have no one to blame but myself. And I have no one to fix it but myself! While I've taken the time to keep a baby book for my boys, calendars, and some handwritten journals, I realize that physical books (were moth and rust doth corrupt) will simply not stand the test of time.  As I've taken time to transcribe my Grandpa Almon G. Clegg's missionary journal from cursive to typed, I realize it can be a painstaking process, so kids and grandkids, you can thank me later for saving you some work!

I also can blame our old antiquated laptop which made blogging a challenge, oh yeah and that broken camera. But alas I have a new camera and a new computer, much faster and efficient in fact. Time to get to work. The goal is to catch up on the last 5 years (2011-2017), by doing several post a week, until it comes to a monthly or bimonthly post. It's like losing weight right?  A bit of hard work, then comes maintenance which becomes very manageable. So computer lets get to know each other pretty well for a little while, the results will be great!  And in honor of my fathers favorite food, you can officially call this Day, CATCH UP!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

My top 10

Ok, so I have a ridiculous amount of pictures of Bridger, thanks to the fact he is my first child, and thanks to the convenience of digital cameras. Although I could make a top 1000 list, here are some that touch my heart.

10. Seriously, that face?
9. There we go again, that face AND that TIE.8. We're a family.7. And oh those feet. Oh those toes. I just want to eat them.6. This reminds me of all the time I spent carrying Bridger, inside or out, close to my heart.5. His first easter basket and keen ability to destroy it.4. Even though he scoots me out of my bed space, and I am massively sleep deprived, I still love the mornings of waking up next to this.3. Hours upon hours upon hours of being physically assaulted while nursing my man.2. For the love of your toes1. And finally #1 favorite pastime, Eskimo kisses = a unequivocal love affair

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Self worth and motherhood

In the words of Benedict XVI: "The joyful love with which our parents welcomed us and accompanied our first steps in this world is like a sacramental sign and prolongation of the benevolent love of God from which we have come. The experience of being welcomed and loved by God and by our parents is always the firm foundation for authentic human growth and authentic development, helping us to mature on the way towards truth and love, and to move beyond ourselves in order to enter into communion with others and with God."

In the last two weeks, something has shifted from deep within me, and I am not talking about the chile verde I had last night. No no, something deep within my soul has opened me up to the little life I hold in my arms and attend to his every need for hours upon hours daily. The last few weeks of his life have been filled with many moments of exploring his little bodies abilities, eating toes, using his hands to grab any object in sight, exploring all these items in his mouth, patting hard surfaces, making funny shrieks, discovering new foods, getting new teeth. In this stage of increased mobility and aggresiveness from my little son, I have somedays felt mildy attacked after an earring pulled out, a scratch on my nose, and a little less hair. I have ofttimes felt a little resentful or bothered by his actions.

But then it happened, about two weeks ago came one of those AH HA moments, and suddenly my relationship to this litte man became clear. We were playing on the floor in the living room, I was doing my usual tactics to maximize giggles and smiles. I was eating his toes, his hands, making his favorite noises, and best of all tickling. In all the playfulness I suddenly realized with a greater amount of understanding and weight what my relationship really was too this little man. I felt reassured that undoubtedly he was my son. And more importantly I realized that beyond simply taking care of his physical needs, that my function in his life went far beyond a source of food. In that moment I realized that I was there for the most important reason of all: to build his self worth.

Wow, that realization hit me like a ton of bricks. A human's self worth. I mean, slow down, wow, this is big time stuff, self worth of another human! Nothing tops that in any job I have ever done, not hours of mopping floors, approving loans, teaching yoga, no nothing even comes close to this kind of work. And for the most part, in spite of the slight physical abuse I have undergone, I realize that more than any job in the past I have the single, most satisfying job that I could ever dream of: motherhood.

I feel overwhelmed that I have been entrusted with this little person, to love him, to nourish him, to protect them, and to build his self worth. I realized that every time he cries and needs me, every time I pick him up and hold him, every time I change his diaper, every time I feed him, every time I wake up in the middle of the night to care for him. Each and every time I respond to him, countless times a day, placing his needs over my own, that I create value of his worth, I let him know that he is of infinite value and he is loved. I remind him of the love he felt from his father in heaven. What small sacrifices I have to make countless times daily translates into a soul that is nourished physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I suddenly feel overwhelmed with the newly understood task at home. When was the interview? Are you sure I am qualified? Are you really sure I can be a good mother? Well that is yet to be determined, but I am sure going to give it my best. It is one job I can't screw up at, I must keep working to become better. God knows I can do it, so therefore I can.